I have grown up with an alcoholic father. My childhood was troubled by a man who has no emotional control.
I was called fat, ugly and stupid at the age of 10. Every dream I had was crushed with negativity. I would get screamed at for existing. He would say I was an obstacle between him and my mum and it was my fault for his behaviour.
Thankfully, I am not a naive person. I knew it was all his problems being directed towards me. But, it wasn’t the best childhood. I did develop insecurities. I did develop eating problems and anger issues. I am still dealing with the consequences of my upbringing.
The problem being, I still live with my parents. I still have to deal with daily contact with a person who continues to put me down.
In fact, last night he attacked me because I asked him politely to put my puppy down because he was picking him up by his hind legs. I was held down and I have bruises up my arms.
Will my mum leave him? No. I would leave if I could. I have no other choice than to live here for another year until I get the financial backing to support myself.
I have been looking forward to September so much. I have uni and work experience to look forward to. Yet, since last night my depression has substantially worsened. I feel trapped in a deep hole.
I have so much to look forward to, and I am still letting my father bring me down. I lost my mission to make him proud in my teens. But, he still makes me feel insecure. I know this doesn’t make me weak because I am completely aware that I am a victim of abuse. But, I cannot help but feel like I should be stronger.
I realise that I have been through a lot of pain and horrible situations, yet nobody ever suspects it. Instead, people judge on my realist and blunt attitude. They don’t realise about why I am so honest and stubborn. I have adapted to my upbringing. I have learnt to protect myself.
Others don’t see it as protecting myself, more like pushing others away. I understand that point of view, but they would understand why in my circumstance. Yet, I don’t tell people because I am ashamed. I don’t want people to see me as a victim.
All in all, living with an alcoholic is extremely difficult and damaging, especially to a young person. I still struggle everyday with the consequences of my disturbed childhood, whether I live with him or not. At the moment, I am living with my parents so I am in the same horrible situation I was as a child. I feel uncomfortable in the house because of the futile environment.
At 22 years old, I am still put down, disrespected and shouted at. I am still spoken to as if I am burden and I still struggle with the past. I have depression and anxiety which stem from all that.
Alcohol can create a life long struggle. But, my father is an atrocious man without it. The alcohol just fuels him to extremes.
If you are going through a tough time, please remember that you can get through it and become a better person with amazing prospects. Bad things eventually come to an end, no matter how long they may seem.