I have struggled for quite a few years with feelings of shame and regret. I have made a lot of mistakes over the years. The guilt I have felt over those mistakes has held me back so much.
I became afraid of enjoying myself, of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, or feeling the wrong feelings. I was scared of offending others or being made to feel worthless because of my opinions.
I have suffered at the hands of many controlling people throughout my life, predominantly my father. This has led me to react quite quickly with anger to various situations. I regret my words after the anger has subsided, but I can never take them back. Because of this, I would feel guilty about the past each time.
But, each time it happened the following incident would be worse. The built up guilt would make me feel even angrier than the last time. However, I look back and think about the first times it happened. The first time, it took a lot of time for me to express my anger. I was basically a push over. A person used me and made me feel worthless, which led me to begin the unfortunate journey to my change of character.
I became bitter. I became spiteful. I became a person I am ashamed of. It was a person I thought I had to be in order to protect myself from being hurt. Instead, I just pushed people away, including those whom I really cared for.
I have always been strong and I didn’t want to be seen as vulnerable, so I reacted with a lot of aggression. I won’t say that the person did not initially deserve it in the first instances. However, after a while, I merely took my anger out on that individual no matter what they had done.
It was not fair on them. I still regret it immensely. However, I know that I will not be able to move forward without forgiving myself. I understand that it was wrong. I understand that I should not have done what I did. But, I do forgive myself because I want my future self to be a much better person who learns from the past, instead of living in it.
I even spent this morning calmly talking to my partner about a concern I had. I wanted/ want to discuss issues without arguing. I want us both to be honest and have a healthy relationship. I want to be able to be myself without being scared. I want to go back to being the relaxed, laid back individual I used to be.
I know it is possible, because I overcame anger issues in my teens to become the person I have been most proud of. Then, unfortunately, I had a massive shift in character. But, I can work on myself to become calmer and less trigger-happy.
I think we should all try and be the best person we can be. First, you have to admit your major faults (minor ones are just part of you, nobody can be perfect), then slowly learn to control yourself a bit more. My fault is anger, and so, I will implement the techniques to become more patient and relaxed.