Sometimes I sit here and think ‘I just want to be normal’. I want the normal life with a normal relationship and a normal family.
Seconds later I realise that they don’t exist. The idea of having a ‘normal’ life is simply from those perfect families on television. Those families that have an issue, work it out and never really mention it again. Those families where everything works out in the end.
But, none of that is remotely real. Every relationship is different. All couples argue about different things, all have different interests. All families are different, they fit together differently and enjoy different activities.
My family are not perfect. In fact I made the decision a few weeks ago that I am not going to visit some of them due to their attitude and behaviour. I don’t have to support the family members that don’t support me. This has made me feel so much better because I have cut out some family members that only ever added to my stress levels. I feel less pressured to do certain things and to think a certain way. I feel like I don’t have to obey others commands but can actually think for myself without being shouted at.
I have also been putting more effort into cleansing my relationship of negative vibes. I have spoken to my partner about the issues I have, such as the amount of time between texts etc… I want to be more honest. Additionally, I have learnt to be more laid back. Before, I was quite clingy in ways I, myself, was not proud of. So, for the last week I have been concentrating on being more independent and less dominating.
I feel a lot better for it! I feel more relaxed and at ease on a daily basis. I feel more like me. I’m less concerned with others and focusing more on my happiness. For quite some time, I felt like I had lost myself and become driven by negative emotions. I felt vulnerable and reliant upon others. I felt lonely and took that out on others. I really dislike the person I became. I lost a lot of friends during those times and I don’t blame them. But, within the last year I have progressed loads and am on my way back to the fun-loving easy going girl I always was.
All I want to say is that there is no such thing as ‘normal’, so whatever you do don’t strive towards it. Instead, strive towards making yourself a person you are proud to be.
I know I have made a lot of mistakes over the years. But, so has everybody else! The main thing is how you deal with them. You can’t change your past, but you can make positive changes to affect your future.
So, I am creating a fresh start for myself this August 2017, where I can let go of the weight of guilt I have on my shoulders. I have had enough of carrying it around, and it is merely making me more miserable and stopping me from becoming a better person. So, I am letting go of my past mistakes. I have already learnt from them. I will keep the lessons but I will not keep the stress, sorrow, and guilt.
Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. You don’t have to relocate; you don’t have to break up with a partner; you don’t have to stop talking to friends. You just have to have a mental clear out. The only person that can give you a fresh start is yourself. The memories will follow you no matter where you go or what you do, unless you have the strength and belief to let them go. It isn’t easy, I’ve struggled with it for over 3 years. But, when it’s time you will be strong enough to let go and move on.
I am and I feel the best I have ever felt in the last 4 years of my life. It is just a shame that others are not at the point where they can move on from the past. So, yes, I have some people in my life who are still struggling with their mistakes and mine for that matter. However, I am hoping that they will eventually come to the same conclusion I have and feel the same freedom I do.